Ghosts

Sep. 19th, 2006 01:55 pm
ericcoleman: (Default)
[personal profile] ericcoleman
I want your input into this song. It can be heard at my My Space page.

[livejournal.com profile] starstraf asked me about this when I first posted a link to the song. It's a song about a little town dying out slowly and my mourning of this. In it there is a mention of Walmart making it impossible for the town to ever thrive again. I am worried that this will unbalance the song. The song is not about Walmart, since it had nothing to do with the demise of the town, but the reaction to the verse has been mixed. Below the cut I have two versions of the lyrics, the original, and a rewrite with the Walmart verse cut out. What do you think?

[Poll #825049]



First Version

Ghosts

The Smoke Shop boys are cooling down on the street tonight
in their best saturday night clothes
they were playing pool in the one place in town
where no decent woman would ever go

The county folk have all parked their cars
and on saturday night what they do for fun
stand out on the corner and watch the town go by
The light shines through them because they're 20 years gone

CHORUS
And I'm walking through the ghost of this old town
It's saturday night, this street should be packed
not a live person can be found
And I'm walking down this street that's filled with ghosts
It's just a picture left over in my mind and somehow it's still home

And there's a ghost of a bridge over the river
and boards on the door of most everywhere else
Robertson Parris, where my grandma worked
there are no more clothes there on the shelf

The buses still run down to Charleston
but no one ever goes
The businesses here can never open again
cause there's a Wal-Mart down the road

CHORUS

My great uncle Tater's grocery store
was behind those boards over there
And the Roxy closed ten years ago
we got DVDs so we don't care

I take my Smoke Shop chili and a bottle of dew
and I eat while I watch TV
There's this little town that's 20 years gone
just the ghosts and me

CHORUS

Second Version

Ghosts

The Smoke Shop boys are cooling down on the street tonight
in their best saturday night clothes
they were playing pool in the one place in town
where no decent woman would ever go

The county folk have all parked their cars
and on saturday night what they do for fun
stand out on the corner and watch the town go by
The light shines through them because they're 20 years gone

CHORUS
And I'm walking through the ghost of this old town
It's saturday night, this street should be packed
not a live person can be found
And I'm walking down this street that's filled with ghosts
It's just a picture left over in my mind and somehow it's still home

And there's a ghost of a bridge over the river
and boards on the door of most everywhere else
Robertson Parris, where my grandma worked
there are no more clothes there on the shelf

My great uncle Tater's grocery store
was behind those boards over there
And the Roxy closed nearly ten years ago
we got DVDs so we don't care

CHORUS

I take my Smoke Shop chili and a bottle of dew
and I eat while I watch TV
There's this little town that's 20 years gone
just the ghosts and me

CHORUS

Date: 2006-09-19 07:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bammba-m.livejournal.com
i only say cut the lyric because it seems like you want to focus more on the lament for the town and less on the evil giant box corporation and are in fear for your song to be turned into a voice against giant evil corporations.

Date: 2006-09-19 07:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] geekymary.livejournal.com
Why don't you change it from "Wal-Mart" to "big store" or "big box" or some other phrase that will imply Wal Mart without using the actual name?

Date: 2006-09-19 07:28 pm (UTC)
billroper: (Default)
From: [personal profile] billroper
What about this?

The buses still run down to Charleston
But no one ever goes.
The action's all down by the Interstate now.
The stores here long since closed.

Date: 2006-09-19 07:50 pm (UTC)
ext_26535: Taken by Roya (Default)
From: [identity profile] starstraf.livejournal.com
Roper has a great solution

Date: 2006-09-19 08:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wyngarde.livejournal.com
That's the stuff!

Date: 2006-09-19 08:31 pm (UTC)
xap: celtic circle (Default)
From: [personal profile] xap
*adds to the love*
um, yeah...that works :)

Yes

Date: 2006-09-19 08:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] markiv1111.livejournal.com
This will probably appear amid your comments long before the comment to geekymary (which I made a long time ago, or so it seems) but I, too, like Roper's verse.

Nate

Date: 2006-09-19 09:00 pm (UTC)
billroper: (Default)
From: [personal profile] billroper
No credit required. This is a minor bit of lyric doctoring. :)

And happy to be of service!

Date: 2006-09-20 01:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wormquartet.livejournal.com
Agreed - this works well. As much as it kills me to endorse the removal of a shot at Wal-Mart from a song, you're right that it unbalances the story and kinda forces the listener to reevaluate a lot of the words in the context of that verse.

I like the song, by the way. Springsteenian subject matter, but a very non-Springsteenian treatment - particularly the end, when you make it clear that you're not just waxing semi-nostalgic and blaming some unseen force...you're acknowledging your own apathetic participation in the events that have led to the town's demise.

-=ShoEboX=-

Date: 2006-09-19 11:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] freeimprov.livejournal.com
Yeah, that's the solution.

The song

Date: 2006-09-19 07:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] markiv1111.livejournal.com
I think geekymary (whom I am not acquainted with) has an excellent idea. If one mentions Wal-Mart by name, it's just a bit too easy to hear the whole song as a protest song against Wal-Mart. I'd go with "big store." If not, deleting that verse would be second best. It's a nice long lyric (and a powerful one) without it.

Nate B.

Date: 2006-09-19 08:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wyngarde.livejournal.com
Walmart is too much of a hot button these days. People will either bash it or defend it and then go shop there with out telling anyone they are going. ;) They will focus on that part and try to make the song about Walmart as opposed to memories and changing times.

I think it's beautiful song and adding Walmart takes away the 'love letter' feel to it, if that makes sense.

I remeber in The Nick Atoms days the pages of things we'd cut out to get a song 'Juuuuust right!'

Good luck, pal!

Date: 2006-09-19 09:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wylderwolf.livejournal.com
I gave the song a listen.

And I personally feel that the Walmart line doesn't detract from the message. By the same token, the inclusion of one fairly iconic word in the lyrics can cause people to get the wrong impression.

But I like the newly suggested lyric from billroper. And it's powerful imagery.

Date: 2006-09-19 09:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wylderwolf.livejournal.com
I can definitely see where it would take the song in a new direction.

Here's hoping that an already beautiful song is made better by the change. It's music like that that makes me so proud to call so much talent a friend.

Date: 2006-09-19 11:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] emiofbrie.livejournal.com
After reading Bill's idea, now I want to change my vote to "change it"...

I initially voted "keep it" because after playing the song on Revenge I loved it, but Bill's suggestion of a more general lyric says the same thing without mentioning anyone in particular. It's ace! :)

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