Yeah, I'm definitely looking forward to being 1000 times more badass. That's going to rock.
(Except I've always known that in the Grand Action Movie of Life, I'm one of the expendable extras who expires miserably in the background in an early crowd scene, not one of the plucky survivors. Sigh.)
Yeah, "not pretty enough to be one of the plucky survivors" is my problem, too. I have kids, but (a) the mom is always way hotter than any of the real life moms I know, and (b) her kids are never like my kids. Put it this way: if the T-rex were heading straight toward us, instead of screaming shrilly and burying her head in my side while I cowered in fear, Molly would fail utterly to notice the T-rex and would instead point out that the license plate on the passing car had a palindrome on it.
If we somehow got separate, Kiera might qualify as the Plucky Orphan because she's compact, adorable, blonde, and good at making jokes, but Molly and I are SCREWED.
Oh, wait, you know, Kiera could also be the Plucky Offspring of the Tech Jock, if it were just her and Ed. I think Ed could pull off the Techie Dude member of the plucky survivors, but he'd do better if he were also the bereaved widower father.
Are you kidding, you die in the most horrible way imaginable, cause you're one of the folks who invented the virus. That's how it always is with the guys with the white lab coats.
That might be true of zombie movies, since the mob attacks their supposed creators, but the dynamic in virus movies is different. The main way to tell a Bad Scientist from a Good Scientist: Beakers vs. test tubes.
A Bad Scientist has a boss who wants profits in the fourth quarter. "I need the new serum NOW!" "But it hasn't been tested properly!" "It worked well enough in the trials. Get up here!" At which point he/she picks up a bubbling beaker, trips, the beaker is smashed all over everyone who promptly runs outside of the lab, and the virus is released. The minions might have proper Scientist gear, but the Bad Scientist is the boss's lackey and wears a tie, or at least is able to rip off the lab coat quickly.
Meanwhile, the Good Scientist is in a lab full of test tubes and safety glasses. They're called on to come up with a cure for the virus. "You're our last hope.... urg!" says the dying president. The music rises, and the action cuts away while Nasty Things happen outside. The Good Scientists lab doesn't bubble. It has slides and whirling things that identify and create the antidote... barely in time (depending on the director). Their lab coats remain white, even when the laundry department has succumbed to the disease.
To be safe, wear a white lab coat. More antigens than a vaccine. For extra protection, have a clipboard and a buxom girlfriend.
I know that you are trying to convince yourself that you'll survive, but I'm sorry, you're wrong. There are no good scientists in these movies ... they are either evil or incompetent. It's your call which you are.
What if you're buxom and wearing the white lab coat?
(I have a sneaking suspicion that buxom + lab coat only works if it's mostly unbuttoned and you're not wearing lab-appropriate attire underneath. And the wearer is beautiful, and probably tall, and, if she wears glasses she wears movie-glasses, which exist only so that they can be removed at some dramatic moment, revealing how beautiful she was underneath if only someone had noticed! Ahem.)
The basic problem with buxom + lab coat is that no other female will survive. She will have to be Eve at The Dawn of The New Day and single, er, handedly repopulate the world. This might be fun for a while, but you almost never make it to the sequel, though your kids might.
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no subject
Date: 2009-04-30 02:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-30 02:10 pm (UTC)(Except I've always known that in the Grand Action Movie of Life, I'm one of the expendable extras who expires miserably in the background in an early crowd scene, not one of the plucky survivors. Sigh.)
no subject
Date: 2009-04-30 02:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-30 02:19 pm (UTC)If we somehow got separate, Kiera might qualify as the Plucky Orphan because she's compact, adorable, blonde, and good at making jokes, but Molly and I are SCREWED.
Oh, wait, you know, Kiera could also be the Plucky Offspring of the Tech Jock, if it were just her and Ed. I think Ed could pull off the Techie Dude member of the plucky survivors, but he'd do better if he were also the bereaved widower father.
Molly
Date: 2009-04-30 02:36 pm (UTC)Re: Molly
Date: 2009-04-30 04:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-30 02:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-30 02:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-30 02:49 pm (UTC)A Bad Scientist has a boss who wants profits in the fourth quarter. "I need the new serum NOW!" "But it hasn't been tested properly!" "It worked well enough in the trials. Get up here!" At which point he/she picks up a bubbling beaker, trips, the beaker is smashed all over everyone who promptly runs outside of the lab, and the virus is released. The minions might have proper Scientist gear, but the Bad Scientist is the boss's lackey and wears a tie, or at least is able to rip off the lab coat quickly.
Meanwhile, the Good Scientist is in a lab full of test tubes and safety glasses. They're called on to come up with a cure for the virus. "You're our last hope.... urg!" says the dying president. The music rises, and the action cuts away while Nasty Things happen outside. The Good Scientists lab doesn't bubble. It has slides and whirling things that identify and create the antidote... barely in time (depending on the director). Their lab coats remain white, even when the laundry department has succumbed to the disease.
To be safe, wear a white lab coat. More antigens than a vaccine. For extra protection, have a clipboard and a buxom girlfriend.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-30 02:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-30 03:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-30 02:55 pm (UTC)(I have a sneaking suspicion that buxom + lab coat only works if it's mostly unbuttoned and you're not wearing lab-appropriate attire underneath. And the wearer is beautiful, and probably tall, and, if she wears glasses she wears movie-glasses, which exist only so that they can be removed at some dramatic moment, revealing how beautiful she was underneath if only someone had noticed! Ahem.)
no subject
Date: 2009-04-30 03:03 pm (UTC)