Capt Beefheart's 10 commandments for guitar players

[ericcoleman]

1. Listen to the birds.
That's where all the music comes from. Birds know everything about how it should sound and where that sound should come from. And watch hummingbirds. They fly really fast, but a lot of times they aren't going anywhere.

2. Your guitar is not really a guitar Your guitar is a divining rod.
Use it to find spirits in the other world and bring them over. A guitar is also a fishing rod. If you're good, you'll land a big one.

3. Practice in front of a bush
Wait until the moon is out, then go outside, eat a multi-grained bread and play your guitar to a bush. If the bush dosen't shake, eat another piece of bread.

4. Walk with the devil
Old Delta blues players referred to guitar amplifiers as the "devil box." And they were right. You have to be an equal opportunity employerin terms of who you're brining over from the other side. Electricity attracts devils and demons. Other instruments attract other spirits. An acoustic guitar attracts Casper. A mandolin attracts Wendy. But an electric guitar attracts Beelzebub.

5. If you're guilty of thinking, you're out
If your brain is part of the process, you're missing it. You should play like a drowning man, struggling to reach shore. If you can trap that feeling, then you have something that is fur bearing.

6. Never point your guitar at anyone
Your instrument has more clout than lightning. Just hit a big chord then run outside to hear it. But make sure you are not standing in an open field.

7. Always carry a church key
That's your key-man clause. Like One String Sam. He's one. He was a Detroit street musician who played in the fifties on a homemade instrument. His song "I Need a Hundered Dollars" is warm pie. Another key to the church is Hubert Sumlin, Howlin' Wolf's guitar player. He just stands there like the Statue of Liberty-making you want to look up her dress the whole time to see how he's doing it.

8. Don't wipe the sweat off your instrument
You need that stink on there. Then you have to get that stink onto your music.

9. Keep your guitar in a dark place
When you're not playin your guitar, cover it and keep it in a dark place. If you don't play your guitar for more than a day, be sure you put a saucer of water in with it.

10. You gotta have a hood for your engine
Keep that hat on. A hat is a pressure cooker. If you have a roof on your house, the hot air can't escape. Even a lima bean has to have a piece of wet paper around it to make it grow.

Comments

[mike46.livejournal.com]

I knew I was doing something wrong all this time ... I wasn't eating multi-grain bread b4 practicing!

Damn white bread ... :/

[freeimprov.livejournal.com]

I've actually been thinking about #10 lately (I've seen these before). I think I need a guitar-playin' hat.

[ericcoleman]

A lot of what he says there makes a lot of sense, if you look at it the right way

[mike46.livejournal.com]

I especially like the hummingbird line. Fast ain't necessarily better.

[rose1thorn.livejournal.com]

My downfall is overthinking the process. I tell my kids everyday to turn their brains off, but I can't do it for myself.

[bibliofile.livejournal.com]

I read that more as a sign that movement and velocity aren't the same thing. However, I'm not a guitarist, so the analogy makes me think more along the lines of arpeggios working to adorn a theme.

And yeah, they do make sense, especially in a not-necessarily-straight-on kind of way.

[mplsfish.livejournal.com]

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Shoebox's six commandments for keyboard players

[wormquartet.livejournal.com]

1. Push the keys to make the noise.

2. If the noise is soft and sounds like plastic hitting plastic, replace batteries or purchase AC adapter.

3. For different noises, push alternate keys.

4. For multiple noises, push multiple keys simultaneously.

5. If noises sound bad, attempt an alternate combination and/or sequence of keys.

6. If you hear Wham's "Last Christmas," chances are you have just accidentally pushed the "Demo" button on your Yamaha SHS-10. Don't do it again.

-=ShoEboX=-

[ericcoleman]

Great hats, but they don't fit me.

Interesting.

[chasophonic.livejournal.com]

Not much there though, except maybe #2.

#4 is way off. An acoustic guitar makes summoning the likes of Beelzebub more arcane. Quiet can be much more powerful than loud.

[selenesue.livejournal.com]

I'm sending these to my favorite guitar player.

He eats a lot of sugar but has this skinny metabolism, so sometimes I call him Hummingbird. Bwa ha ha.

Re: Interesting.

[ericcoleman]

I think there are several that are very very good.
They fly really fast, but a lot of times they aren't going anywhere.

Don't you know players like that?

If your brain is part of the process, you're missing it. You should play like a drowning man, struggling to reach shore.

Let it flow, don't over think, makes perfect sense to me. And play like you need it.

You need that stink on there. Then you have to get that stink onto your music.

A bit of an exaggeration perhaps, but my Martin sure sounds better now that it has a lot of my sweat in it. And music is best done greazy.

When you're not playin your guitar, cover it and keep it in a dark place. If you don't play your guitar for more than a day, be sure you put a saucer of water in with it.

Put it away and keep it humidified ... every guitar player needs to do this. Reminds me, I have to buy a humidifier for my room

Re: Interesting.

[chasophonic.livejournal.com]

I guess I expected "10 commandments for guitar players" to be more profound. There are things there I might agree with and things I might not. Nothing really insightful of thought provoking. Nothing makes me go "Hmmm?!."

"If your brain is part of the process, you're missing it."
Yes you can overthink, but playing mindlessly is self indulgent. This is communication after all. Music presents what you think and feel. Consciously or subconsciously (never unconsiously) it involves the brain. If your brain isn't part of the process, everybody else missing it.